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Insecurities + Doing What I Love + Re-training My Body

It’s funny how insecurities can overwhelm you. It’s funny how they can creep up on you in the midst of doing something you love, and before you know it, you aren’t focused on how much you love that thing. You are instead nit-picking your image, or your thoughts, or the ways others might perceive you. And that’s real dumb. But it’s how it goes.

Take this picture, for example.

2016-05-15 02.01.42

This was taken by our assistant director at rehearsal a few weeks ago. It was taken as a memory for the actors and crew. It was taken so that we could look back at how far our set has come since then. But all I see when I look at this picture is how bad my hair looked that night and how badly that shirt fits me.

And then, in my mind, all I can thin is, “is that how ALL button ups look on me?” “Is that how the audience is going to see me in Act One when I wear a different button up shirt?” “What can I do with my hair that will look good on stage?” “How can I lose fifteen pounds before the show opens?”

And that’s all so bad for me. So bad. Because the positives of that picture outweigh the negative, but it’s hard to see. I was cast in this role. I have the honor of bringing Corie Bratter to life. I’m the only person that can do that. If the director didn’t like the way I look, I wouldn’t have been cast. There were lots of itty bitty girls at auditions that gave a great read. But they are not in that picture. I am.

The struggles with my image are real. They are not to be downplayed. I have been on a rollercoaster this last year. I’ve been really into fitness plans and workouts, and then I get upset after a few months with no results and find my favorite chocolate bar or snack of chips and salsa. Everyday.

I started the Whole 30 six days ago, and there was one very important thing I told myself before I started. THIS IS NOT TO LOSE WEIGHT. This is to re-train your mind to think about food differently. And it’s working, much to my surprise. I have not had sugar, soy, dairy, grains, or legumes in six days. And yes, I have twenty-four more to go, and that’s a lot. But I FEEL amazing. Certain areas of my body that I always thought were pudgy are tightening up. I have a clear-headedness that I didn’t have before I started. This is changing the way I think about, look at, and even crave food. I’m really grateful this exists, because it’s one of the only things that has worked for me thus far. Here’s to finishing the month strong!

On top of that, I’ve been going to aerobics and pilates classes three times a week. Diet and exercise go hand in hand in my opinion.

So, here’s to not only changing the way I look at food, but also the way I look at myself. Let’s change the negatives to positives. I have to wear a whole lot less than that when the show actually opens, and I’m here to embrace that I am beautiful. I take care of myself. I am lovely.

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